How It All Turned Out

October 2, 2008



October 3, 2018

Nome, Alaska


MR. JOHNSTON:  Hey welcome to Nome.  People Magazine, cool. Yeah, it’s been a while since we had any a you guys up here checkin it out from the Lower 48, it was pretty wild for a while there back in the day, remember?

So, you met my boys on the way in, Trig, he’s 10 now, and J-Mac, he’s turning 10 in a couple of months.  Trig’s been like a son to me, and J-Mac, he’s me and Bristol’s boy.  Take a look out that door, you don’t see mountains like that where you come from I bet.  That’s Russia over there, past the docks with my seaplanes.

PEOPLE: Where’d you get all those planes?

MR. JOHNSTON:  So yeah, we took all that money the McCain campaign gave us when we got married just before the election and then, part a the deal, we had to stay in Juneau for 2 years. Bristol took her half and produced that reality show with her mom “Yup, Governor!”  But then when President Obama got rid of all the TV she decided to split for Vegas and do the dancer thing.  It’s cool, she comes up and visits the boys when she gets time off.  Oh, yeah, the planes – I took my half of the money and bought the fleet.  We started off doing wolf rescue,  now it’s more the polar bear rescue since they built all those sea ice factories up in the ANWAR.  It’s like full employment for all the  Inuit and Yupik guys, they just push those floes off the chillers back toward the Pole and then we fly the bears up there. 

PEOPLE:  Good thing global warming got stopped so quick.

MR. JOHNSTON: Yeah, it’s all about the ice.  Ya can’t play hockey unless ya got ice on the rink, right?  So the way I understand it, what happened was when they banned TV back in ‘ 10  everybody got off their couches and went out and walked around  and talked to their neighbors and stopped eating junk.  So now everybody’s like fit and happy and organizing their communities and stuff.  The ones who started reading got really smart, like Willow, when she went down to Cal Tech and invented that thingamajig that makes American-made cars get 3500 miles a gallon.  She said she got a bunch a ideas all of a sudden when they took down Project Runway and Ice Road Truckers and all the Law and Orders.  You can still get ‘em on iTunes, but people mostly don’t bother.   The only show on TV now is the Cool News with Rachel Maddow and Jon Stewart, they run it for an hour before National Lights Out at 10. And everybody’s got health care now, not like the old days, but usually nobody needs it unless you like overdo it with the free weights or something.

PEOPLE: So what happened then for your family?

MR. JOHNSTON:  Well, so we didn’t need anybody else’s oil so Track and all a them came home from the Iran/Iraq/Pakistan/Afghanistan Intervention. It’s cool, he’s flying our seaplanes now for the rescue.

PEOPLE: And your former father-in-law?

MR. JOHNSTON:  Well, as you know right after President Obama got elected the first time, Todd and Aunt Cindy decided they were going back to Arizona and do the beer thing together.  Uncle John was kinda bummed but he just stayed in Warshington with Uncle Joe for both of Obama’s terms.  Jeez, he’s 82 now, you’d never know it the way he runs around, Senate Minority Leader – the boys say he looks like some kinda Johnny Depp pirate with that patch over his left eye, shouting at everybody and waving that cane around.

It was really nice of Todd and Cindy – I think they wanted to do something for Uncle John, or maybe it was just good for their taxes – anyway, they gave the money for the Senator John McCain Conflict Resolution Center they built down there where the Pentagon was when America used to do wars.

PEOPLE:  Have you been to the McCain Center, Mr. Johnston?

MR. JOHNSTON: Yeah, it’s really cool.  There’s like virtual reality chambers, you can do “5 Years as a POW” and “Victory in Iraq” and “The Surge is Working” and “Mission Accomplished.”  Pretty much you don’t want to enlist when you take that headset off.  “First off The Boat at D-Day” man, that’s a rough one.  Oh yeah, and Sarah, she’s a docent there.  Governor Monegan pardoned her finally and so she came back to work for Uncle John.  Sarah really likes leading the tours.  Mr. Guiliani works there too, he does the “9/11  Sensurround Midnight Show”.  People really enjoy going to the Center now they don’t have the Discovery Channel anymore.

PEOPLE:  I see a number of Secret Service are waiting out on the porch.  What’s up?

MR. JOHNSTON:  Oh that’s right Madame Prez Obama is coming by this afternoon.  We’re flyin Ms. Michelle and Vice President Chelsea up to Barrow City for a meet-and-greet with the ice cartel guys.   They got some serious fundraising to do before they go against Jenna Bush and Meghan McCain in 2020.  Funny how you don’t see many guys running for president anymore – but like I tell my boys, “It’s America, anybody can grow up to be president!”

PEOPLE:  Thanks so much for your time, Mr. Johnston.

MR JOHNSTON: Hey, you got it, it’s cool.  Sorry I gotta take this call, it’s Vladimir again, he’s buggin me about re-routing the Iditarod thru his place so they can get some of the tourist dough. You know Russia’s not as far as you’d think from here.




© Tracy Porter Combs